My oldest has never met me and my youngest hasn't seen me in over 10 years.
When I sit back and reflect on my life this holiday season these two young men stand front and center in the aspects of my life that I regret the most. I have let them down in a way that is unimanageable. I don't even know how to say I'm sorry to them for not being there and not being in the lives.
The sorrow and regret the pain that I feel is no match for these two boys pain that they have probably felt knowing that I was not there for them.
I spent their entire childhood trying to find my own way and in the process I completely forgot the values and the bond that my father and I had that I wanted to instill in my boys.
For so many years I blamed my dad passing when I was 17 and my mom passing when I was three as the reasons that I did what I did and was as lost as I was. But now I realize that I was a coward I was afraid I was immature and most of all I was selfish.
I do not expect Matthew and Dakota to ever forgive me for missing out on their childhood but one day I hope that these two young men will learn to accept me and my mistakes because I love them with all of my heart even if I never wa man enough to show it.
I cannot go back in time but I can turn the page and try try try to make the wrongs of my past right.
And then there is my daughter Savannah who's life I have been involved in who I have been so fortunate to watch grow up. But these days as she is now a teenager I find myself being pushed further and further away.
I had always planned on being a wonderful father and I have always had it in my mind that I was going to do the right thing but now all these years later I've realized that I was searching for something that was already in front of me I was just too blind to see.
Time can play tricks on you know that you get as you realize it's going by whether you know it except it or even realize it.
I love my children it's time for me to make amends it's time for me to do what I can for them as I should have always been doing it's time for me to open my eyes and try to be a father.